barang allah

Posted in By beoma 5 comments

i actually have two impending entries. draft i made in my mind. scribbling the words floating hang.pasal aziz and his good news, an exciting one i could not catch my breath happily choked, dan pasal hari jadi aku yang lepas. i was thinking of making an entry on that pasal how happy i was that tme , being with family on my birthday and how we celbrate it, with so much loves. irony i tweeted something that night.


the irony part is today i went for medical attention regarding mata aku yang bluriness in a way medically we would call it bilateral temporal hemianopia (bth), tapi aku rasa aku macam sugarcoat that term sebab pattern dia memang macam tu, cuma i never really know how someone with bth would have the view. and for me, aku suspect memang mata aku ada problem , somewhere dekat macula ke or anywhere else yang if defected akan ada these symptoms. aku dah lama takut jugak sebab once it a structural disease, memang in a way kena tukar lens ke cornea ke or whatever transplant. so mak sedara aku,one i call as a mok because she is also like a mother to me,and she is working at USM, she had been really helpful, urusan harini would be very hard kalau dia tak ada, and she kindly managed to take me directly to a specialist. she made a full check on my eye. done a few tests and pap! 

it is bilateral temporal hemianopia.

she hold the paper of two big circles both of them mirrorly half blackened, the result, right on my face. aku stumbled gila. i saw these on google and textbooks before, i really never met a patient with it, sebab aku memang pemalas. and now the these kind of result of bth is in front of me, and its mine.
the doctor look at me lepas stumbled jugak and said 'saraf'. she stared at me 
later then she dilated my eye and look at those eyes and said both are normal. and then she called her prof and hour later he came and check my eyes.

normal. 

its either the eyes, or the brain. and the eyes are in great form. no defect. 
now the brain.

thus im scheduled for a brain MRI. tak tahu bila, mak sedara aku tengah cuba dapatkan tarikh secepat mungkin. aku just stumble most of the time. denial. but i know the kubler ross, maybe not for a death but i know this is denial. and i have the soft heart speaking it could be anything else. not a mass. repeatedly. but what else.

thus the flashes of umi and abah's faces. the flashes of how happy the raya with all the ten was. the laughters and giggles of my birthday celebration. those waves umi and abah would give to me,smiling warmly, when they drive to school every morning. the teases of brothers and warm hugs of sisters, all the plan i made with burg all the reunion i wish to attend soon, all the impending emails which are supposed to reach at me when i am fourty soon, 

if i am.